A laugh for the forum

[Madame Ace 71]

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order
first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I
feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in
bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[Hairtrigger]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'



This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

A Christmas tree?

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[Betterman]

Originally Posted by Hairtrigger

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

A Christmas tree?

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

With proper PE and kegels, this doesn't have to be Man's fate.

[JonPop]

"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed
at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell
to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her
composure . "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.


Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied. Things went downhill from there.

[bozoballz]

Oh dear.

[JonPop]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely!

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.

[JonPop]

tech calls


Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++ Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
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RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe ) "If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." "Twice"
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Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system Clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee Was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared. "
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

[McB52]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy,
weathered old woman in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the woman rol! led between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother".

[JonPop]

That was pretty funny McB.

[BigHose]

Hey BB, where did you get all those pickaxes?

[baybabe]

Originally Posted by BigHose

Hey BB, where did you get all those pickaxes?

LOL! No, I write people off...no violence needed

[McB52]

Little Firefighter. . . . . .

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer, the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster'.

She replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[McB52]

Last night, my husband & I were sitting in the living room & I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine & fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' He got up, unplugged the Computer, & threw out my wine.

He's such a bastard.......

[kagato]

”Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

”Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I'll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

[W.M.P.]

Who farted?!

[JonPop]

A banker died and was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter observed that the man had both hands on a suitcase and was struggling
to drag it along. He said, "You will not be allowed to bring that into Heaven"

The man replied, "But I must, I left everything on earth so I could bring this."

St. Peter said, "What is in there that is so important?" The man opened the suitcase
and it was filled with gold bars.

St Peters jaw dropped and he said, "Of all things on earth...You brought pavement?"

[baybabe]

[lifted]

hahahahahaha!

[pdubs]

2 fleas on a pussy. ones a burgular the other's a junkie. how to tell the difference?
The burgular is hiding in the bush and the junkie is sniffing the crack.
___
The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style.
The husband sits and begs, the wife rolls over and plays dead.
____
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. Sure it tastes the same but it aint right!
____

[Min'sGirl]

Got this on a coffee mug:

[JonPop]

Hee, Hee...

[southern tz]

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

[baybabe]

Originally Posted by southern tz

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Never thought of it that way!!

[southern belle]

Originally Posted by baybabe

Never thought of it that way!!

Hi Baybabe, it is so good to see you still here!

[johndervil1423]

hahahaha funny one! hahaaha

[johndervil1423]

HAHAHAHA nice one!

[johndervil1423]

HAHAHAHA. that was funny.

[johndervil1423]

hey guys. what website in which i could download free porn movie? haha. without virus. is there? thanks