A laugh for the forum

[JonPop]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's
house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.
"Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[Überschwanz]

Is this based on a true story JP?

[JonPop]

Hmmmm. You want I should "Tip my hand?" Ha, snicker.

[JonPop]

1.The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Tennessee women.

2. A group of TN. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

3. A senior at Tennessee was overheard saying .. "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Tennessee." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

4. (I personally love this one) A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-81. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

5. A Tennessean had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.

[JonPop]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags
theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the
Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her
a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she
wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes
slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

[JonPop]

QUIZ FOR PROFESSIONALS


Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you
have
answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?






Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out
the giraffe put in the elephant and close the door.This tests your
ability
to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend...
except one . Which animal does not attend?





Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay even if you did not answer
the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to
show
your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?




Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This
tests
whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals
they tested got all questions wrong! , but many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the
theory that most professionals haven't got the brains of a four year old.

[cue]

Wow, I feel stupid, I missed all of them. Great quiz PJ.Cue

[10]

OK, these sorts of quizzes and tests should be banned. Yes, JP, I got EVERY ONE wrong. Now, I feel sufficiently stupid hahaha.

[cue]

See how you do ? Below are (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer all of them immediately. OK? First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. Second Question:: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?? Third Question (Ver tricky math! Note: This must be done in you head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.) Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer: Numu? NO! Of course not. her name is Mary. read the question again. OK: Now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to but a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. Cue

[JonPop]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
It hasn t been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here.

[Überschwanz]

I love that last one JP.

[JonPop]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers:

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much
of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her
with a pay envelope containing a check, made out in her name for ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the ten
dollar "pay check" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the
teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheet rock . . ."

[cue]

A guy went to the Doctors for a check up, everything was fine, but the Doctor asked if their was anything else that he needed. The guy said that no matter how much he squeezed and shook his dick, a drop came out and went down his leg. Well the Doctor said that he may have a cure for this problem. May I operate on you for free and if it cures you, you good. So the guy gets the operation. The Doctor had transplanted nose hairs onto the guys dick head. When the guy had to pee after the operation he held his dick in his hand and noticed that a drop of piss was comming out.Just when the drop was about to pop out his dick said' " SNIFF" Cue

[cue]

Two guys in the outfield chased a ball toward them, alter throwing in the ball, one outfield guy says, check the girl in back of the Impire in the stands, I don't think she has any underwear on. So when the left field guy gets up to batt, he turns around and checks her out.After the three outs the fielders get to talk again. The first one says, well"", the other one throws up on the field and says "flys"

[JonPop]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency
called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a
particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered,
the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun,
told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting
was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra
advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had
to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were acceptable. About seven minutes
later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top Ten List. With all the laughter, the rest of the
week went very well for everyone.



The top ten were:




10. Viagra, . Whaazzzz up!




9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.




8. Viagra, Like a rock!




7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight




6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.




5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.




4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman.




3. Viagra, home of the whopper!




2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!




And the unanimous number one slogan:



1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

[JonPop]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[10]

Too damn funny!!!! LMAO! This is the best yet.

[Timbuck]

A family is enjoying a day at the circus when the young boy
points at the elephant. He says, "Mom whats that long thing
on the elephant?"

She says, "That's his trunk."

He replies, "No mom, behind the trunk."

She says, "Well that's his tail."

Frustrated, he says, "No mom, I know what the trunk and tail
look like but it's in front of his tail."

She says, "Oh that's nothing."

He turns to the father and says, "Hey dad what's the long thing
on the elephant not his trunk or his tail?"

The father says, "Well that's the elephant's penis, son."

Puzzled the boy looks up at his father and says, "Well why'd
mom say it was nothing?"

The father puffs his chest out and says, "Well son, I spoil
that woman!"

[10]

That's pretty good. I've got to admit it.

[pleaser]

I agree. Very funny!

[leftcurve]

A young newleywed couple on thier wedding nite.
The blushing bride says to her new husband, "Dear, I have a small confession to make, I've never actually,...well... I'm a virgin."
The husband says, "That's ok darling, I have a little confession myself.
I'm not exactly of 'normal' size down there. The fact is, I'm hung like a newborn baby."
The bride say's, somewhat dissapointedly, "That's ok, I love you no matter what."
As they disrobe, she notices that he has a HUGE penis.
Freakishly large.
She exclaims, "I thought you said that you were hung like a new born baby!"
"That's right babe, six pounds four ounces and twenty two inches!"

[JonPop]

Cowboy Chili

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

[JonPop]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by
mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked round
nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she
cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a
little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from
far,far,away........................

"We're down here .."

[Überschwanz]

I love the brain cell one JP.

[JonPop]

CLARIFICATION


We have all heard someone refer to a fellow male as, "Man, he's got guts." Or, perhaps the reference may have been: "That guy has some set of balls on him." I have always wondered what determines if a guy has balls, or if he has guts. While these two examples may not clarify the differences for you, hopefully they will provide some insight as to the difficulty of providing a precise and accurate definition and delineation. Perhaps you cannot have one without the other, and they are one and the same, although anatomically located in different areas of the body.



Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"



Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

[cue]

Superman was flying around one night and was horney, anyway with his super powers he see's wonderwoman on her back in bed nude. I'll just fly in at lighting speed and get a little quick pussy. So he does, And then wonderwoman says, what was that and the invisible man says, I don't know, but it sure hurt.

[cue]

Man came back from the Dr. after getting a face lift, his wife says, is that a belly button on your chin, the man replys yep and this an't a tie on my throat.

[cue]

I know you don't want to hear about the bald headed mouse. Cue.

[cue]

Man comes home early from work and his wife says if you tie me up I'll let you do anything you want to. so he ties her up and goes golfing.

[cue]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small taven.
The husband leans over and asks his wife,"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned aginst the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes,"she says,
"I remember it well."
"OK," he says,"how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?"
"Ooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks,"I've got to see these two old-timer having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally the get to the back of the tavern and make thseir way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turn around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly the erupt into the must furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. The are bucking and junping like eighteen-year=olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on th ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The poiceman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is!
As the couple passes, he says to them,"That was something else! You moust have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an Electric Fence!"

[JonPop]

Rick and Randy were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Rick glanced over and noticed that Randy's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Rick said, "I've never seen one like that before." Like what?" Said Randy . All twisted like a pig's tail," Said Rick.
Randy said, "Well, what's yours like?"
Rick said, "Straight, like normal,"
Randy said, "I thought mine WAS normal"
Rick finished what he was doing and started to give
his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. Randy said, "What did you do that for?" "Shaking off the excess drops," Said Rick,
"Like normal."
"Son-of-a-bitch!" Randy said, "...all these years I've been wringing mine.

[JonPop]

Alcohol warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

---------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

[JonPop]

A 30-ish man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store
was very surprised when a very attractive woman in front of him turned and
said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you?!" look, and couldn't remember ever having
seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of
the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the
world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who
fathers her children? "

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought, but,
MAYBE ....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college.. perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are
you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk
and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No!", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
second grade teacher!"

[cue]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always Insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent #%$#$$," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself! The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

[JonPop]

Three Cowboys Are Sitting Around The Campfire Out On The Lonesome Prairie; Each With The Bravado For Which He Is Famous; A Night Of Tall Tales


The Guy From Montana Says, "I Must Be The Strongest, Meanest, Toughest Cowboy There Is. Why, Just The Other Day, A Bull Got Loose In The Corral. It Had Gored Six Men Before I Wrestled It To The Ground By The Horns With My Bare Hands And Castrated That Sucker With My Teeth."


The Guy From Colorado Couldn't Stand To Be Bested. That's Nothing, "I Was Walking Down The Trail Yesterday And A Fifteen Foot Diamondback Rattler Slid Out From Under A Rock And Made A Move For Me. I Grabbed That Bastard With My Bare Hands, Bit It's Head Off And Sucked The Poison Down In One Gulp And I'm Still Here Today."


The Cowboy From Texas Remained Silent, Slowly Stirring The Campfire Coals With His Pecker.