A laugh for the forum

[JonPop]

In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question:

If you pushed your NAKED clone off the top of a tall building, would it be

A ) Murder,
B ) Suicide, or
C ) Merely making an obscene clone fall?

[JonPop]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it?.... It's an inflatable doll"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one, blows itself up!"

[Nacho_Vidal]

Originally Posted by JonPop

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it?.... It's an inflatable doll"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one, blows itself up!"

And the Christian doll would think doing a blowjob before marriage is a SIN. Forbidden things are a lot more enjoyable. HAHAHA

[JonPop]

Hey Happy Stud. See...You CAN make a coonass out of a Californian, Haha.


If you visit the South, please keep the following in mind... If you
are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's
mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a
Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road," No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get the hay out of
the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up
to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.
You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a
lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a
year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and
we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address
our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still
take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hocks.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other
two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream
of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and
sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough,
we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball
players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four
of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine
for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up
there why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here,
we don't have an accent, you do.

[want8]

Here is one for you!
There was this guy who had a crush on this girl for a while and finally got up the nerve to ask her out. He went to pick her up and her Dad came to the door and said, come on in son, we need to talk, she will be down shortly. The dad says, now son, you don't need to be messing with my daughter. The guy says, oh no sir, I would never do anything like that. Dad says, no son, you don't understand, you really need to leave her alone, when she was born, she was born with teeth in that thing and you really need to leave her alone. He says, God, thanks for telling me, I won't touch her!
So they go out and date for about 6 months and get married, another 6 months goes by and she is at her parents house one day very upset. She says, I don't know what is wrong, we have been together for a year now and still have not had sex, he will not touch me. Dad says, baby, this is all my fault, when you first went out with him I told him you had teeth down there so he is scared to touch you, but I know how to fix it.
In the morning get up and put on a very tight nighty and go into the kitchen and fix a big breakfast and make sure to include biscuits, fix him a plate, take it over to him and drop a biscuit on the floor, bend over and pick it up and he will look up and see there is nothing to worry about. She says I will try anything at this point. So she does exactly what was discussed, puts on the tight nighty, fixes the big breakfast including biscuits, walks over to him, drops a biscuit on the floor bends over to pick it up but when she did she FARTED! He jumped up and said, DAMN, if that thing will growl for a biscuit just think what it would do for a peice of meat!!! HAHAHAHAHA

[swamp dragon]

Originally Posted by JonPop

Hey Happy Stud. See...You CAN make a coonass out of a Californian, Haha.


If you visit the South, please keep the following in mind... If you
are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's
mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a
Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road," No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get the hay out of
the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up
to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.
You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a
lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a
year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and
we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address
our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still
take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hocks.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other
two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream
of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and
sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough,
we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball
players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four
of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine
for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up
there why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here,
we don't have an accent, you do.

Thank you, Jonpop, for recognizing the People's Republic of Acadiana.

Here are a few more things we believe down here:


Q - Why is air a lot lot sex?

A - Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Q- Why is divorce so expensive?

A- Because it's worth it.


Q - What do you call a smart blonde?

A - A golden retriever


Q - What's the difference between your girlfriend and your wife?

A - About 45 pounds.


Q - What's the the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

A - After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


Q - What do attorneys use for birth control?

A - Their personalities.


Q - How do you get a sweet little Cajun woman to say the "F" word?

A - Get another sweet little Cajun woman to yell BINGO!

[Nacho_Vidal]

Originally Posted by swamp dragon

Q- Why is divorce so expensive?
A- Because it's worth it.

Q - What do you call a smart blonde?
A - A golden retriever

Q - What's the difference between your girlfriend and your wife?
A - About 45 pounds.

These three made me laugh for an hour.

JP: You should be a sit-com writer man, maybe also Chris Rock or Chris Tucker's script writer.

Are there any jokes about foreigners???

[JonPop]

The old professor went to the hospital to have a mole removed from his
dick. He vowed never to have sex with such a small animal again.

[JonPop]

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."

[JonPop]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to
the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the
farmer, but
to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running
around, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW. Finding the keys in
the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and
he managed to grab hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper , the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the
chicken rode the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A BMW To Pick Up Chicks!"

[want8]

Funny as hell Dude! And so right! A friend of mine honest to God has the dick of a horse! It has to be 10" and girth of 7". Anyway, there are girls that live out of town but when they come to town he is the first thing they look for. They know what he is packing and damn do they love it!!

Originally Posted by JonPop

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to
the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the
farmer, but
to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running
around, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW. Finding the keys in
the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and
he managed to grab hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper , the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the
chicken rode the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A BMW To Pick Up Chicks!"

[JonPop]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend
Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from
the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[JonPop]

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is . . . . . . . . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

[JonPop]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous

and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor
says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid
Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more
money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait
two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."

[happy stud]

Originally Posted by JonPop

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous

and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor
says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid
Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more
money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait
two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."

Sounds like some of the nasty bitches Ive been with. Hope that dont happen to me man.

[jennifer]

Originally Posted by happy stud

Sounds like some of the nasty bitches Ive been with. Hope that dont happen to me man.

Yeah, happy stud, you just keep getting some of that strange stuff without wearing a condom. And when your dick does fall off, I can tell you how to play with your new pussy!! Haha.

[JonPop]

Hey Jen, why don't you start by telling us how you play with YOURS? Snicker...

[jennifer]

Originally Posted by JonPop

Hey Jen, why don't you start by telling us how you play with YOURS? Snicker...

Slowly, very slowly, first one finger, then two fingers...

[Marty5379]

Originally Posted by JonPop

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn sang it. My daddy-in-law, according to my wife, used to play it all the time when she was a kid just to piss off her mother. No my wife plays it to me.

[Marty5379]

Originally Posted by jennifer

Slowly, very slowly, first one finger, then two fingers...

There you go hijacking another thread with your finger in your pussy Jen.

[JonPop]

A note of jealously, Marty?

[happy stud]

Originally Posted by JonPop

A note of jealously, Marty?

Yea Marty whats your problem if Jennifer wants to talk about her pussy she can hijack the dam thread all the way to China.

[Marty5379]

Originally Posted by JonPop

A note of jealously, Marty?

Yes, I wanted MY finger in her pussy dammit!

[jennifer]

Originally Posted by Marty5379

There you go hijacking another thread with your finger in your pussy Jen.

Sorry, Marty. I guess I should re-read the Forum Guidelines, huh?

[want8]

Forum, hijacking, guidlines, what the hell do you mean, just keep fingering, LOL

[Marty5379]

What did the mother at the beach say to Michael Jackson?



Get out of my sun!

[JonPop]

Originally Posted by Marty5379

What did the mother at the beach say to Michael Jackson?



Get out of my sun!

GROAN!!!!!

[JonPop]

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

[JonPop]

All of his life George, a blond male from Newfoundland had heard stories of a family tradition. It seems that his father and grandfather had been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink:


So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's big blue eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

[JonPop]

-------Original Message-------

From: jennifer
Date: 02/03/06 13:06:48
To: JonPop
Subject: Re: Advice for our Betterman Members?


Haha. I see your point. If we posted this in the forum, some guys would be eating pancakes before they listened to their hypnosis tapes.

JonPop wrote:

Damn...You mean to tell me all I had to do was eat pancakes? Shit.


John and Becky took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Becky replied. "The rest are for your father .

[Tokumino]

I dont know how many of you guys and gals know any pilots but most are very anal.

> It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
> diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely
> in their jobs.
>
> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
> sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
> are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
> (marked with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
> maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
>
>
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're for.
>
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right
>
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
>
> And the best one for last ..............
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget
> pounding on something with a hammer.
>
> S: Took hammer away from midget

[Tokumino]

If you have been zapped with a stun gun then you should know this guys pain.
I have been shocked with one while at the dojo, The stun gun was new and we took it out of the box. No where on the box did it say "batteries included".


ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best......

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[JonPop]

Yuseina Birutek, thanks for that one. LMAO.

[GRX]

Yuseina Birutek,
I laughed so hard that I passed out! When I woke up, I couldn't find my reading glasses (eventually found them on the mantle... how did they get there) the cat or my testicles!

Next time put some type of disclaimer on your funny stories... this one just about killed me!

[Tokumino]

Hey JonPop, this one is for you.The next time you get accused of being old tell them " i may be but i still get laid more then you"


"

Dale's wedding nite


At 85 years of age, Dale married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Dale should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Dale, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Dale takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Dale. Again he is ! ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Dale kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Dale is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Dale gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Dale."

Dale, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

........."You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.