A laugh for the forum

[JonPop]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

[slickwillie]

Damn Pop, you're loaded with the jokes! So you subscribe to Comedy Central's emailing list too. :)

[Überschwanz]

Q: Why do men name their penises?





A: They don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions for them.

[happy stud]

Hey want8 this joke reminded me of you.



An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Mississippi. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

[JonPop]

Hey Studly. That was funny man. Chuckie's gonna get you for that.

[happy stud]

Subject: football fans

Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the LSU fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Tennessee fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Ole Miss fan took off his cap and placed it over her "private" area.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the LSU cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Tennessee cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Ole Miss cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted
it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Ole Miss fan was becoming annoyed and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking? "Well," said the officer, "Frankly, Im surprised. Normally when I look under a Ole Miss hat, I find an asshole!"

[JonPop]

>TEN RULES TO BE AWARE OF WHEN TRAVELING.
>
>1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
>animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
>punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
>2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
>prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
>only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
>
>3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
>applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
>a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
>
>4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse
>than "going blind!")
>
>5. There are men in Guam whose full- time job is to travel the countryside
>And deflower young virgins, who pay "them" for the privilege of having sex
>for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
>virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
>else in the world that even comes close to this?)
>
>6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
>husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit
>lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah!
>Justice!)
>
>7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
>tropical fish stores.
>(But of course!)
>
>8. In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
>first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
>(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>
>9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
>and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
>
>10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
>one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
>"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
>premises." (Is this a great country or what?
>Well, not as great as Guam!)
>
>
>ENOUGH'S ENOUGH? NOW WHAT'S THIS INFORMATION FOR?
>
>1. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
>volunteers for this stuff?)
>
>2. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is
>that why Flipper was always smiling?)
>
>3. The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own
>weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated. (From
>drinking little bottles of........Budweiser?)
>(Did the government pay For this research??)
>
>4. Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)
>
>5. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like
>that.)
>
>6. Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
>
>7. And, the best for last...Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I
>thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[happy stud]

See there want8 you shouldnt be so embarrassed about fucking the animals after reading that its ok to fuck em in Lebanon.

[want8]

Originally Posted by JonPop

>
>
>1. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
>volunteers for this stuff?)
>5. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like
>that.)
>
>6. Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
>
>7. And, the best for last...Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I
>thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Damn Pop, you just described Stud to a tee!

[Überschwanz]

Gotta start readin' these magazines.

[Überschwanz]

This would suck.

[Überschwanz]

Brave little guy...

[squiggy01]

Have you been visiting my place of employment?????

[Überschwanz]

This was in my school newspaper today.

[Überschwanz]

I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

[Loki]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook that if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked in front of my house. I asked "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. Last night, she called me from Chicago.


At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

[italiananglo69]

Funny True story
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061206/...ne_passing_gas

[JonPop]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

>
>
> One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
>
>
>
> Nicoderm patch on it.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to
>
>
>
> put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
>butts a day."

[Überschwanz]

No explanation necessary.

[JonPop]

Ok, because of the high powered Manix Gel, she's able to take that whole post. Uh...Haha.

[SilentRob]

Oh, schnap... I hadn't caught that. Funny!

[JonPop]

I discovered something. Click on the thumbnail, it will expand. Hold your cursor on the expanded image and an orange square with 4 blue arrows will appear in the lower right corner. Click on the upper left arrow and the image will expand to full size. Makes it much easier to see.

[happy stud]

How do you know somebody aint fucking with ya'll and thats actually a cactus on the damn pier?

[JonPop]

Studly, leave it to you to come up with shit like this.
I don't think many boat owners tie their boat up to a cactus.

[happy stud]

Originally Posted by JonPop

Studly, leave it to you to come up with shit like this.
I don't think many boat owners tie their boat up to a cactus.

I bet some of the drunk ones do.

[want8]

Originally Posted by JonPop

I discovered something. Click on the thumbnail, it will expand. Hold your cursor on the expanded image and an orange square with 4 blue arrows will appear in the lower right corner. Click on the upper left arrow and the image will expand to full size. Makes it much easier to see.

Damn you are getting slow in your old age.

[JonPop]

Originally Posted by want8

Damn you are getting slow in your old age.

Hey, youngster, I started using the computer late in life. Everything I know has been self taught. I am still way learning. I still remember vacuum tubes in TV's and radios, so there.
Of course you remember what a vacuum tube was? It has a little bag in it that you had to change when it got full of used electrons and your TV reception got bad. Hee.

[slickwillie]

Originally Posted by happy stud

I bet some of the drunk ones do.

I've tied my boat to a girls leg standing on the dock, but then again we were just bar hopping on the boat and she was cute, so figured it was a good excuse to start some bullshit drunk conversation?

[want8]

Originally Posted by JonPop

I still remember vacuum tubes in TV's and radios, so there.
Of course you remember what a vacuum tube was? It has a little bag in it that you had to change when it got full of used electrons and your TV reception got bad. Hee.

See what I mean. I don't even know what the hell you are talking about. That has got to be ancient.

[Überschwanz]

I have this problem all the time.

[Überschwanz]

I think this thing is a big, green, walking penis.

[Überschwanz]

Good practice...

[SonicCelt]

That's right, look at happystud, he's still alive

[marjam]

Two buddies are sitting around one day just drinking beer and talking about different bets that they have done. Finally one guy bets the other $100 to go down to the cornerstore naked and buy two butterfingers. Well, he decides to take the bet, strips down and takes off running as fast as he can. He runs in, grabs the candy bars and throws the money on the counter before the clerk even has a chance to react. On the way back the guy decides that he will take a walking path through the woods thinking that noone would be there at this time of day. Well, just as he gets halfway through the woods he sees three nuns coming towards him. Terrified of what the nuns might say he jumps behind the nearest bush to hide. When he does his dick flops out of the bushes. The first nun sees his dick and wonders what on earth it could be. She walks up and pulls on it so the guy throws out a candy bar. "Oh, it's a vending machine!" says the first nun. Naturally, the second nun decides she wants a candy bar also, so she too pulls on his dick and the guy throws out the other candy bar. The third nun proceeds to pull on the shaft and nothing happens. Figuring that it was jammed the nun begins to jerk, yank, tug and pull and finally she stands up rubbing her hands together saying, "Hey, it gave me hand lotion!!"

[JonPop]

Sentence Structure is Everything

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the
next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said, "I feel like shit today."