A laugh for the forum

[JonPop]

Had to share this....JP



How To Replace Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.

This was a real memo sent out by a computer company

(IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all

field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform

erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available

as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this

procedure, replacement of mouse balls

should only be attempted

by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of

mouse balls by examining the underside of
the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger

and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal

procedures differ depending upon the

manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using

the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden

discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement,

the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair

of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer

satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls
should contact the local personnel in

charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items. Please keep in mind that a

customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer.

[Überschwanz]

Yeah, I've had to replace a ball before. Those little things are hard as fuck. Ever try throwing one?

[JonPop]

Hey Ube, I've thrown a "Rod" in an old Ford once, but I've never thrown a Ball. Must make you walk funny. Hahaha JP

[pornman]

Good one JP

[JonPop]

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and
says "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the right
credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is
a letter and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awestruck .. who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it
in Hollywood with
a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought
about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I
had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the
enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

[pornman]

I've heard that one before

[JonPop]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a
drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV,
I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[cue]

Little baby was born in the hospital last week and he had three knees. A left knee, a right knee and a weinee.

[Überschwanz]

Two guys pull up to a stop light in their cars, a guy in a Yugo and a guy in a Mercedes. The guy in the Yugo says,

"Hey, I've got a fridge in my car. How about you?"
"Yeah, I've got a fridge in my Mercedes."

The guy in the Yugo responds,

"Oh yeah, well I've got a TV too."
"Yeah, I have a TV also."

"Really? Well I have a bed."
The guy in the Mercedes looks at the guy in the Yugo disappointedly and drives off. He goes to a custom car garage and asks the guy there,

"Can you put a bed in my Mercedes?"
"Sure, no problem," he responds.

After the work is finished, the guy drives all around town looking for the Yugo. Eventually he finds it parked on the street and the windows are all fogged up. He knocks on the door and the other guy, soaking wet, answers it. The Mercedes owner says,

"NOW I have a bed in my car!"
"You got me out of the shower for this?"

[JonPop]

ATTENTION: THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked.
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

[kdub]

Little Johnny and the Perfect Penis

Little Johnny walked in one day on his dad in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs was. His father replied,"that it was the perfect penis."
The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates. "What's that?" asked Suzie.

"Well,"said Johnny, "if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis."
=



Little Johnny the Mercenary
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing laying down on the seat, and.....

"Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."


Kdub

[JonPop]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a
baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" He said, "Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover.

However, the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[10]

Oh JP, that was GOOD!!!! Really enjoyed that one. Still laughing!!!!


10

[JonPop]

Quiet in Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace
and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a
huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road
..Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you
might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the
business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More
'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get
along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming
the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

[10]

OK JP, where do you find these??? These are hysterical!

[kdub]

I think there should be some DELIVERANCE music to go with that one.

Kdub

[JonPop]

Originally Posted by wanna10incher

OK JP, where do you find these??? These are hysterical!

You know I have no life. So I write all these. (NOT) Ha, Snicker.

[cue]

When do blind people know when to stop wipeing their but???

[10]

Cue:

That's great!! Something to ponder too!

[JonPop]

Profiles of anyone you know???

Actual Quotes taken from federal "Employee Performance Evaluations"

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has now
started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

12. "Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."

13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.


23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

25 "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

28. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made
it to conception."

31. "One neuron short of a synapse."

32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

33. "Takes him 2+ hours to watch 60 Minutes."

34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[Überschwanz]

Great stuff JP. I really like number 13 ("A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus").

[JonPop]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out without your clothes on."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[JonPop]

Answering machine at a mental hospital

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital.


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press; no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Gb76]

Seriously reminder:

Never watch this thread with your PM ON!

[JonPop]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to
be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy,
who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel
uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered
to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed
my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
come and get me." I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me
and said, "we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little
test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[JonPop]

These are Punny.

Championship groaners......

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. " Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named, "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him, "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them smile. No pun in ten did...

[JonPop]

TOP FIVE ADULT JOKES OF 2004

Number 5
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number 4
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very
interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" Tonto Papadopoulos." He replies. "Nice to meet you."

Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow?"

Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.? He vowed to try to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later when Bill came home, his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did," he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[offthewaller]

Oh dear god my stomach and sides hurt so much...

[10]

NEVER read these while hanging! Every time I laugh it pulls!!

[JonPop]

How to tell the sex of flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Überschwanz]

I love that one JP. That's great!

[Überschwanz]

I was just watching TV and this one female reporter was talking about the BTK killer, but instead of saying Dennis Rader, she kept saying Dennis Miller. Maybe she knows something we don't.

[JonPop]

Hahaha! He used to kill me on "Saturday Night"

[noogie]

There's this guy who is in the market for a used motorcycle. Always
wanted a nice big hog. One day he comes across a beautiful classic
Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to
find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner
and says, "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it, but you must tell me how
you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the owner, "It's pretty
simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to
rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from moisture. In
fact, since you're buying it, I won't need this jar of Vaseline, so you
might as well have it too." So he buys the bike and off he goes.

He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend and that night they decide to
go over to her parents house. It's the first time he was going to meet
them and figures the bike will make a big impression. Before they went
in, the girl says, "Honey, I gotta tell you something about my parents
before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. "No problem," he
says and in they go. The boyfriend is astounded, right smack in the
middle of the living room is a HUGE stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, dirty dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, he decides to take
advantage of the situation. Without saying a word, he grabs his
girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of
course, no one said a word. He thinks, "Her mom is kinda cute." So he
grabs her and has his way with her too. No one said a word again!!
Then, he notices it started to rain, so he better take care of his
Harley. He pulls out the jar of Vaseline. Just then the father stands
up and shouts, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!!!"


Peace,
Noogs

[JonPop]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''



A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''



Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.



The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:



1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;



2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;



3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and



4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.



(No chuckling... this gets better!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because:



1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;



2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;



3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and



4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.