A Few Jokes For The Girls.

JonPop · 06-13-2005, 02:22 AM

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your
TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,
isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
> sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I
have to roll my own ............ so does she. ( I figure this guy is the
one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow
me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it says indeed.... "HEBREWS".

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

kal · 06-13-2005, 04:36 PM

HaHA, good jokes jp, I especially like the joke entiteled "Cigarettes and Tampons"

jennifer · 06-13-2005, 06:25 PM

Okay, JonPop, so you are picking on the "weaker sex", huh?

Hear are a couple of other jokes you guys may enjoy.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we will never need that", explained the wife. "My husband and I have a great relationship. He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. So, he communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening!"

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right, children, let's make another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all of his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

cue · 06-14-2005, 03:27 AM

Man comes back from the market with two black eyes. What did you do this time says his wife. Well, the lady in frount of me in line had her dress in her crack so I pulled it out. Black eye. How did you get the other one says the wife. The lady was so upset about me pulling her dress out so I tucked it back in.

Succubus · 06-14-2005, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your
TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,
isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
> sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I
have to roll my own ............ so does she. ( I figure this guy is the
one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow
me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it says indeed.... "HEBREWS".

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

LMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!1

JonPop · 06-14-2005, 11:28 PM

Cowboy and Indians

A bunch of Indians captured a cowboy and brought him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the rump. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other ,figuring, "Typical white man-can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it again on the rump. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man-going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!"

JonPop · 06-15-2005, 10:06 PM

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.To this day, my
sister has never lets me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the teller stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to
go,and he said "No" I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident,and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just
KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30
people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any... a true story.... We had a female news anchor that, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

Succubus · 06-16-2005, 04:04 AM

Your Good.