Ribald Bible stories.

JonPop · 03-13-2007, 11:45 PM

Here's a couple of tongue in cheek stories for ya.

Once upon a time, a couple of weeks ago, as the Crow flies, lived a very naked couple called Adam and Eve.
Now Adam was very shy about the size of his penis and was always wearing a fig leaf, even though Eve would reassure him over and over that size didn't matter, as she really had nothing to compare it to. This didn't make Adam feel better because when he would look down at his penis, it hardly reached to his knee. Adam thought that all of his legs should be of equal length.
Eve had an idea;
She would try and help Adam overcome his feeling of inadequacy by placing Adam's penis in her mouth and trying her best to pull 5in.Hg of vacuum to increase his size. Naturally Adam had a resounding orgasm the first time Eve did this. They were both astounded at the creamy liquid that came out of the end of Adam's penis and Eve tried and tried to make this happen again. She sucked and sucked until poor Adam couldn't take anymore. Eve laid back on the soft grass and wondered what that strange throbbing was in her loins and why she was so wet as she hadn't pee'd as far as she knew. Suddenly, a large snake appeared in the branches of the tree above Eve and said, "Psssst, have I got a deal for you." Eve was enthralled by the length of the snake and his thickness at mid-shaft. "Why, you are beautiful," said Eve. "Can I make Adam's penis as large as you?" The snake said, "Why yes, my dear" and proceded to slide head first into Eve's dripping pussy. Upon seeing this Adam immediatly grabbed the snake by it's tail and pulled him from Eve's hot throbbing pussy.

Eve said to Adam...."You BASTARD."

JonPop · 03-13-2007, 11:48 PM

Joshua had just finished knocking down the walls of Jeri-toe when a large block tumbled down upon his foot. He let out a loud yell which brought all of his men running to see what had happened to their great leader. Upon examination it was found to have smashed his big toe and it was all red and swollen. One of his most trusted officers said to Joshua, "Hey boss, the best thing you can do for a sore toe, is soak it in cider." Whereupon Joshua commanded one of his serving wench's to lay on the ground and expose her vagina.
He inserted his big toe into her hot, juicy pussy and sighed in relief.
His trusted officer waving his arms franticly said,
"No, Joshua....In CIDER, not....... INSIDE HER."

Joshua said..."Fuck off"

Betterman · 03-16-2007, 01:55 AM

They should make a porn movie of these.

jennifer · 03-17-2007, 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

Here's a couple of tongue in cheek stories for ya.

Once upon a time, a couple of weeks ago, as the Crow flies, lived a very naked couple called Adam and Eve.
Now Adam was very shy about the size of his penis and was always wearing a fig leaf, even though Eve would reassure him over and over that size didn't matter, as she really had nothing to compare it to. This didn't make Adam feel better because when he would look down at his penis, it hardly reached to his knee. Adam thought that all of his legs should be of equal length.
Eve had an idea;
She would try and help Adam overcome his feeling of inadequacy by placing Adam's penis in her mouth and trying her best to pull 5in.Hg of vacuum to increase his size. Naturally Adam had a resounding orgasm the first time Eve did this. They were both astounded at the creamy liquid that came out of the end of Adam's penis and Eve tried and tried to make this happen again. She sucked and sucked until poor Adam couldn't take anymore. Eve laid back on the soft grass and wondered what that strange throbbing was in her loins and why she was so wet as she hadn't pee'd as far as she knew. Suddenly, a large snake appeared in the branches of the tree above Eve and said, "Psssst, have I got a deal for you." Eve was enthralled by the length of the snake and his thickness at mid-shaft. "Why, you are beautiful," said Eve. "Can I make Adam's penis as large as you?" The snake said, "Why yes, my dear" and proceded to slide head first into Eve's dripping pussy. Upon seeing this Adam immediatly grabbed the snake by it's tail and pulled him from Eve's hot throbbing pussy.

Eve said to Adam...."You BASTARD."

Since PE had not been invented yet, poor Eve had to have something else bigger to satisfy her!

JonPop · 03-18-2007, 02:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennifer

Since PE had not been invented yet, poor Eve had to have something else bigger to satisfy her!

Hell, Jennifer. Fucking hadn't even been invented yet.

jennifer · 03-18-2007, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

Hell, Jennifer. Fucking hadn't even been invented yet.

That's because since PE had not been invented yet, Adam's penis was too small!

Betterman · 03-18-2007, 09:38 PM

Hence, PE was born. The notion of sex, even better sex procured. I may also mention, the notion of sex for personal gain. Amen.

happy stud · 03-19-2007, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

Hell, Jennifer. Fucking hadn't even been invented yet.

Hey JonPop there was no need for fucking until Eve fucked everything up eating that damn apple. Before then anytime ol Adam had a hard-on he just had to think about cumming and did. After Eve ate the damn apple and got both of em kicked out of the Garden of Eden she discovered her pussy to get back into Adams good graces. Since his dick wouldnt automatically cum anymore he had to discover fucking to pleasure himself. From what I can remember I think Eve was too much of a bitch to give blow jobs. I think actually Noah invented those while he was steering the damn arc so he told his wife to give him a blow job since he couldnt fuck her without running the arc up a damn mountain.

JonPop · 03-19-2007, 11:28 PM

Ha ha ha! Too much Studly. Hee

jennifer · 03-20-2007, 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy stud

Hey JonPop there was no need for fucking until Eve fucked everything up eating that damn apple.

Well, if Adam hadn't been so pussy-whipped, he would not have eaten that apple!

Betterman · 03-21-2007, 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennifer

Well, if Adam hadn't been so pussy-whipped, he would not have eaten that apple!

What confuses me, is women have always been known for their sensitive nature. Yet, when Eve bit the apple she didn't know what would happen, such as cause and affect. When Adam bit the apple he knew what he was in for.

Now.......what does that mean?

happy stud · 03-21-2007, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betterman

What confuses me, is women have always been known for their sensitive nature. Yet, when Eve bit the apple she didn't know what would happen, such as cause and affect. When Adam bit the apple he knew what he was in for.

Now.......what does that mean?

I think it means he was a fucking idiot. His relatives probably all settled in Mississippi.

JonPop · 04-03-2007, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betterman

They should make a porn movie of these.

I'll give the rights to BrockLanders and he can shoot the movie.
But...I get to do the casting. I get the starring role as Adam and of course Jennifer as Eve.
Kal is the snake. (He would like this part)

happy stud · 04-03-2007, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

I'll give the rights to BrockLanders and he can shoot the movie.
But...I get to do the casting. I get the starring role as Adam and of course Jennifer as Eve.
Kal is the snake. (He would like this part)

Hey JonPop remember that when Eve got their asses kicked out of the Garden of Eden she probably got pissed off and didnt give Adam anymore pussy. Yea I guess your right to have Jennifer to play her.

jennifer · 04-05-2007, 01:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy stud

Hey JonPop remember that when Eve got their asses kicked out of the Garden of Eden she probably got pissed off and didnt give Adam anymore pussy. Yea I guess your right to have Jennifer to play her.

As I recall, the Bible has many examples of an ass. Guess who should play that part?

JonPop · 08-12-2007, 04:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennifer

As I recall, the Bible has many examples of an ass. Guess who should play that part?

Samson bravely stood his ground. Before him were many, many Philistines bent on doing him great bodily harm. Because he and Maurice had eaten their ass for breakfast that morning, Samson had no choice but to rip the jaw bone from his loyal chariot drivers face. He used this formidable weapon to slew the entire Philistine army. Maurice never looked the same again.

JonPop · 08-12-2007, 06:48 PM

Sister Sarah was riding her ass toward the covenant when she met a brave young warrior named want8. She asked, "Why are you named want8?" He replied hesitantly, "Since you are a Nun, I am almost embarrassed to tell you the meaning of my name." She pressed further, "Oh please brave warrior, I must know." Want8 answered, "Get off your ass, sister and I will sit with you whilst I explain."
As she slid off her ass, want8 noticed that she was exposing her ass and all of her pussy. (As was her habit, she wore nothing under her habit.)
Want8 begin, "Someday sister, there will be such a thing as Penis Enlargement invented. I shall then be able to grow my member into gigantic proportions such as 8 inches long and 6 inches around, hence my name. I will then have ALL the fair maiden's of the kingdom lusting after such a handsome tool." "Sister Sarah replied, "Oh handsome man, I don't know, myself, but I have heard that the size of a man's penis doesn't matter. Will you show me of wince thou speaks?" "I have never before, seen a man's penis."
Want8 said, "I will beautiful sister, since I have had the great pleasure to view both your lovely ass and your sweet love chamber as well." Sister Sarah said in astonishment, "You mean, that I was exposing my ass when I slid off my ass?" Want8 replied, "Yes and a grand and wondrous ass it is." "An ass and pussy that a man such as myself would fight to possess."
Sister Sarah, quite moved by this statement, felt herself blushing and squirming, her gentiles becoming quite hot and wet. Want8, seeing this, removed his trousers and exposed his modest 7X5" penis. Sister Sarah gave a gasp and quickly placed her small, delicate hand on this manly object saying, "This is huge compared to sister Grace's clitoris which was once measured at 3 inches." "We took turns sucking on sister Grace's clitoris, pretending it was a man, but I never felt any excitement, even though sister Grace seemed to enjoy it greatly."
Want8 was now fully erect and said, "Try sucking on this sister and see if you feel any excitement." Sister Sarah said, "YES, Yes I will." She proceeded to take want8's now throbbing, penis into her mouth with such abandonment that her head was almost a blur. She stopped suddenly and exclaimed, "I have these strange feelings going from my head to my toes and centering in my clitoris to where I feel as if I am going to explode...Uhhhh, YESSS, Ohhhh. Yes, I did." Want8 could no longer contain himself and pushed sister Sarah over backwards and pulled up her long habit exposing a hot, throbbing, swollen pussy. Now, sister Sarah, being a virgin, was extremely tight but being very excited and very juicy, want8 had no trouble penetrating her maidenhead.
They made love well into the evening with sister Sarah having one huge orgasm after another until finally, both spent, they fell asleep.
Unable to rouse sister Sarah and wanting to leave, want8 tied sister Sarah's ass to her ass, and with a little spank on the flank of both their asses, bid sister Sarah a fond goodbye.
(Happy Birthday, Chuck.)

JonPop · 08-12-2007, 06:54 PM

Speaking of ass. Thank you Jennifer for the Birthday present. More beautiful than the spoken word can tell.

Loki · 08-12-2007, 10:58 PM

Great story JP

jennifer · 08-13-2007, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

Speaking of ass. Thank you Jennifer for the Birthday present. More beautiful than the spoken word can tell.

Happy Birthday again!

I enjoyed both of your stories about Maurice and want8. They seem so real!

want8 · 08-14-2007, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonPop

Sister Sarah was riding her ass toward the covenant when she met a brave young warrior named want8. She asked, "Why are you named want8?" He replied hesitantly, "Since you are a Nun, I am almost embarrassed to tell you the meaning of my name." She pressed further, "Oh please brave warrior, I must know." Want8 answered, "Get off your ass, sister and I will sit with you whilst I explain."
As she slid off her ass, want8 noticed that she was exposing her ass and all of her pussy. (As was her habit, she wore nothing under her habit.)
Want8 begin, "Someday sister, there will be such a thing as Penis Enlargement invented. I shall then be able to grow my member into gigantic proportions such as 8 inches long and 6 inches around, hence my name. I will then have ALL the fair maiden's of the kingdom lusting after such a handsome tool." "Sister Sarah replied, "Oh handsome man, I don't know, myself, but I have heard that the size of a man's penis doesn't matter. Will you show me of wince thou speaks?" "I have never before, seen a man's penis."
Want8 said, "I will beautiful sister, since I have had the great pleasure to view both your lovely ass and your sweet love chamber as well." Sister Sarah said in astonishment, "You mean, that I was exposing my ass when I slid off my ass?" Want8 replied, "Yes and a grand and wondrous ass it is." "An ass and pussy that a man such as myself would fight to possess."
Sister Sarah, quite moved by this statement, felt herself blushing and squirming, her gentiles becoming quite hot and wet. Want8, seeing this, removed his trousers and exposed his modest 7X5" penis. Sister Sarah gave a gasp and quickly placed her small, delicate hand on this manly object saying, "This is huge compared to sister Grace's clitoris which was once measured at 3 inches." "We took turns sucking on sister Grace's clitoris, pretending it was a man, but I never felt any excitement, even though sister Grace seemed to enjoy it greatly."
Want8 was now fully erect and said, "Try sucking on this sister and see if you feel any excitement." Sister Sarah said, "YES, Yes I will." She proceeded to take want8's now throbbing, penis into her mouth with such abandonment that her head was almost a blur. She stopped suddenly and exclaimed, "I have these strange feelings going from my head to my toes and centering in my clitoris to where I feel as if I am going to explode...Uhhhh, YESSS, Ohhhh. Yes, I did." Want8 could no longer contain himself and pushed sister Sarah over backwards and pulled up her long habit exposing a hot, throbbing, swollen pussy. Now, sister Sarah, being a virgin, was extremely tight but being very excited and very juicy, want8 had no trouble penetrating her maidenhead.
They made love well into the evening with sister Sarah having one huge orgasm after another until finally, both spent, they fell asleep.
Unable to rouse sister Sarah and wanting to leave, want8 tied sister Sarah's ass to her ass, and with a little spank on the flank of both their asses, bid sister Sarah a fond goodbye.
(Happy Birthday, Chuck.)

Damn I just saw this! Thanks a lot Bud! The only thing that would have been better is if you had called her Sister Jennifer.

want8 · 08-14-2007, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennifer

Happy Birthday again!

I enjoyed both of your stories about Maurice and want8. They seem so real!

They are real. So what did JP get for his B-Day that I didn't? Huh

happy stud · 08-14-2007, 11:38 PM

Hey JonPop as long as I got some pussy in your story Im ok with it. Having a fucked up jaw is a turn on to some women.

jennifer · 08-15-2007, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy stud

Hey JonPop as long as I got some pussy in your story Im ok with it. Having a fucked up jaw is a turn on to some women.

Yeah? Which ones - the ugly ones or fat ones?

JonPop · 08-15-2007, 07:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifer
As I recall, the Bible has many examples of an ass. Guess who should play that part?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JP

Samson bravely stood his ground. Before him were many, many Philistines bent on doing him great bodily harm. Because he and Maurice had eaten their ass for breakfast that morning, Samson had no choice but to rip the jaw bone from his loyal chariot drivers face. He used this formidable weapon to slew the entire Philistine army. Maurice never looked the same again.

Originally Posted by happy stud
Hey JonPop as long as I got some pussy in your story Im ok with it. Having a fucked up jaw is a turn on to some women.

Ok studly, as long as your ok with a fucked up jaw.

Maurice entered the city on his ass, literally, as he had been reduced to begging. His rough shod clothing was torn and tattered and the women would turn from him and the children would point and make fun of his disfigurement where the jaw bone had been ripped forcefully from his once handsome face. Samson had received much glory and accolades after his battle with the Philistines.
Maurice had left the city in shame because of the disfigurement to his face and had not returned until now.

A very pretty woman ran up and shooed away the children and said to Maurice, "Oh, brave soul, I know of what you did, and of the suffering that you have had to endure." "Please come with me to my humble home that I might give you nourishment and mend your ragged clothing." Maurice was quite taken with this offer from such a pretty lady and as he hadn't eaten in a fortnight, he asked, "You are not offended by my looks, fair lady?" She replied, "No, even though your face is quite smaller than it was, to me, size doesn't matter.
With this, she grabbed his hand and begin leading him down a side street to her home. Upon entering, Maurice noted that the home, whilst small was very clean and tidy.

She motioned for him to be seated at the table and begin dishing up a large amount of stew from the kettle over the fire.
Between large bites of delicious warm bread and mouthfuls of stew, Maurice finally, really looked at this woman. She stood about 5 foot 5 inches and was slim of build and large of bust.
Her dark hair cascaded to her waist even though bound with a ribbon at the nape of her neck.
She said, "I am known as Jennifer, my brave soldier, I was at the feast thrown for Samson to celebrate his great victory. "
"I was the serving wench to the mighty Samson, so was able to overhear his conversations with the king and his woman Delilah."
"Only once in all of Samson's recounting of the battle, did he mention, that victory wouldn't have been possible without the jaw bone of Maurice." She continued, "I fell In love with you during the recounting of the battle and vowed that if I ever could find you, I would bring you to my home, press you to my breast and envelope you with my loins as a reward for your brave deed."
Maurice was stunned that such a beautiful woman would offer herself to him as it had been years that a woman wouldn't recoil in horror at his face and refuse to sleep with him.
Jennifer said, "When you finish your meal, a warm bath and my hot pussy await your pleasure.

To be continued....

happy stud · 08-15-2007, 10:04 PM

Hey Jennifer pay damn close attention to this story because the Bible is filled full of prophicies. You gotta do exactly what the Bible says or you get sent straight to hell.

JonPop · 08-15-2007, 10:27 PM

Uh...Mo, I'm writing a Ribald Bible Story. Nothing with Prophecies. You have to do those yourself.

Überschwanz · 08-16-2007, 05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy stud

Hey Jennifer pay damn close attention to this story because the Bible is filled full of prophicies. You gotta do exactly what the Bible says or you get sent straight to hell.

And what if you don't believe in hell?

JonPop · 08-16-2007, 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Überschwanz

And what if you don't believe in hell?

Well then, I guess you go to HECK!

JonPop · 08-16-2007, 07:04 PM

Jennifer said, "When you finish your meal, a warm bath and my hot pussy await your pleasure.
****************************************

Maurice finished the fine meal that Jennifer had given him, pushed his chair back from the table and let out a sigh of contentment.
Jennifer had removed the pot of stew from the fire and was heating a large pot of water. She said, "Your bath will be ready soon my brave soldier, please remove your soiled clothing so that I might wash and mend them." Maurice, never one to be shy in front of a woman, quickly stripped off his clothing and stood naked in front of Jennifer.
Her eyes grew wide with appreciation at the sight of this. Maurice had a very muscular body albeit thinner then when he was fighting along side of Samson in their many battles and adventures.
His manhood hung long and full in anticipation of the pleasures that had been promised him.
Jennifer thought to herself, "He is so much bigger than my former husband." "His pleasure will be my pleasure, also."
By this time the water was very hot and ready to be poured into the tub in the corner. Maurice was VERY careful that he did not splash water on himself and carried and poured the boiling pot into the waiting tub. Jennifer had already added the right amount of cold water and the bath was ready.
Maurice settled into the bath and let out a long sigh as this was the first bath he had, had in many, many months.
Jennifer quickly disrobed and pulled the chair to the tub and placed her feet into the water.
Maurice was astounded at the beauty of Jennifer's naked body
and could not tear his eyes away from her pussy.
Jennifer, with a sly look, placed her left foot upon Maurice's
very erect penis and rubbed gently.

To be continued:

JonPop · 08-17-2007, 04:19 PM

Jennifer commanded Maurice to stand, so he could be properly washed. He stood up and Jennifer stood in front of him and begin lathering him from chest to water line. She had him again, sit in the tub as she stood behind him and thoroughly washed his long hair, face and beard. She then got the scissors and her late husbands razor and cut Maurice's hair to shoulder length and trimmed and shaped his scraggly beard. When she had finished, she was amazed at how many shades lighter Maurice had become and how handsome he still was. With the neatly trimmed beard, one couldn't tell that Maurice was missing a jaw bone.

Maurice got out of the tub and Jennifer handed him a sackcloth to dry with. She then led him to her bed and proceeded to lie with him on the soft, cotton bunting filled, mattress.

Jennifer said, "It has been over two years since I have lain with a man, my dear Maurice. My late husband, an officer in the battle against the Philistines, was felled with an arrow and out of gratitude, the king has given me this small home and a stipend each month so that I should not want.
I eagerly await the pleasure that will be forthcoming for us."

To be continued:

JonPop · 08-17-2007, 08:37 PM

If my writing of this story becomes too discriptive, involved or detailed, let me know and I will do like the porn writers do and cut directly to the fucking. I DO have an ending for this Ribald story. I don't want to bore anyone.

JonPop · 08-17-2007, 08:53 PM

As they lay side by side on the bed, Maurice half turned and placed his large hand upon Jennifer's right breast and proceeded to kneed the nipple between his thumb and forefinger. Jennifer placed her small hand on Maurice's rock hard penis and just grasped the shaft without moving her hand. Jennifer said, "Maurice, I know that you left the city without receiving proper reward for your service and sacrifice for the king and Samson, because of your disfigurement. I know also that the king had many soldiers looking for you so that you might have been justly rewarded for your deeds." She continued, "I wish now, to give you my personal reward and to help you receive what is right and justly yours."
With that, Jennifer bent forward and placed Maurice's large penis into her soft mouth.

Shall I continue in this style to the conclusion of the story?

Betterman · 08-17-2007, 11:49 PM

I hate it when the story leaves me hangin' till the next episode.

JonPop · 08-18-2007, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betterman

I hate it when the story leaves me hangin' till the next episode.

Hey, I got that from GRX. Where the fuck is he, anyway?