Cocks Of Rock

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by Big Al, Mar 7, 2009.

  1. Big Al

    Big Al Coach Staff Member

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    by Paul Aitken

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There has never been a form of music as dick-centered as rock 'n' roll. Disco was sexually suggestive and hip-hop is sexually aggressive but rock 'n' roll more than either is a celebration of the dick and the promise of the pleasure it could bring if you would just say; "yeah, baby, ooh baby, yeah." Dicks have adorned album covers, been hauled out on stage, cast in plaster and paraded in an endless series of "stolen" private sex tapes. They're conspicuous the world over thanks to tight spandex pants, and while the guitar might symbolize rock 'n' roll, the dick runs a close second, thanks in no, er, small part to the following cocks of rock. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Cucumber Wrapped In Foil[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I shouldn't need to explain this one but just in case there's someone who hasn't seen the movie Spinal Tap, the scene goes like this: bass player can't get through the airport metal detector. After discarding his belt etc. the security guard hauls out the "wand" which goes off each time as it passes over the bass player's crotch. He finally reaches into his pants and pulls out a cucumber wrapped in tin foil. I know what you're thinking, tin foil wouldn't set off the alarm and it's redundant anyway. Actually, that's not what you're thinking. You're thinking that was a pretty funny scene and it was right up there with the "turn it to 11" scene. Don't get that reference? Rent the movie, buddy. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Warren Cuccurullo[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A long time member of Duran Duran and founding member of Missing Persons, Warren also enjoyed a sporadic career as a gay porn idol. But in the context of this column Warren is included because he is the first rock musician who modeled for a dildo, an 8 inch number called the "Rock Rod." [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]David Cassidy[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The former teen idol packs a whopper. Supposedly, brother Sean does as well, but I've seen pictures of David's little bro' in painted-on spandex and I'd suggest that the rumors are just that – rumors. But in David's case the rumors had substance. In his book C'Mon Get Happy – Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus, Cassidy acknowledged his prodigious member and told how his brothers called him "Donk" – apparently a hybrid of Dink and Donkey. It's probably unfair that a teen idol should also be blessed with a big dick, but for those inclined to live vicariously, David assures us he put his attributes to good use. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]David Spinozza[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]David Spinozza was known for three things. 1) He was one of the best studio guitarists in the biz. 2) He had one of the biggest dicks. 3) He was famous for whipping it out at the slightest provocation. So (in)famous were his spontaneous exposures that once when accepting an award for Best Studio Guitarist, Spinozza drolly declared; "no, I'm not going to whip it out." [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Jimi Hendrix[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Yep, Jimi had a big 'un. How do we know? Because it's been preserved for posterity thanks to the pioneering work of Cynthia Plaster Caster. While Cynthia eventually cast numerous rock cocks, Jimi was her first and he remains the star of her collection. Apparently Jimi wasn't happy with the result. He claimed to be flying at half-mast. But even at half-mast Jimi does better than most of us at full-sail. It was only 6 inches long but it was as thick as your wrist. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]That Sticky Fingers Dick[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Along with Abby Road and Dark Side of the Moon, it's one of the most famous album covers ever. VH1 named it the greatest cover of all time. Why? The cover is a denim-clad crotch with a very noticeable impression of a large penis hanging to the right of a real zipper that you could pull up and down. Given that most fans of the Rolling Stones were men this might seem decidedly gay, and indeed, the man who designed the cover, Andy Warhol, was as gay as they come but at the time it came out the cover was seen as merely daring and provocative. For a while it was rumored that the model for the cover was none other than Mick himself, but in fact the dick in question belonged to Warhol protégé Joe Dallesandro. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Mick Jagger[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Let's get this straight, Mick Jagger doesn't have the biggest dick in rock 'n' roll. In fact, in a 2005 interview Keith Richards described Mick's wedding tackle as; "huge balls, small cock." Mick apparently wasn't too happy with that disclosure. But whatever its size, Mick's dick saw more action than almost any other of his generation and at any given point in any given performance it was likely closer to the audience than any other part of his body. More than any other white guy Mick gave the cock its central place in rock 'n' roll folklore. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]John Lennon[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]His dick's pretty average, actually. But at the time John Lennon went full-frontal on the Two Virgins album he was perhaps the most famous rocker on the planet. He was one of the two main guys in the biggest pop band ever – The Beatles. And there for the whole world to see was a Beatle dick! You say you wanna revolution? Well, you know… Apparently Paul McCartney wasn't happy. No matter. As in much of what the Beatles did, no one had done it before and it's doubtful anybody's done it since. John Lennon may not have had the sex appeal of Mick Jagger but he had more stones than all of the Stones put together. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Jim Morrison[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]According to sometime lover Grace Slick, Jim was big. How big? Well, that's hard to say exactly. And it's beside the point. Jim Morrison is included in our Top Ten list not so much for what he had but for what he did with it, and I'm not talking about what he did with Grace or Gertrude the Groupie. Jim Morrison is famous for being the first rock star to whip out his dick in concert. The "Miami incident" led to his arrest and conviction on misdemeanor charges of profanity and indecent exposure. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Tommy Lee[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What is there to say about Tommy's dick that hasn't already been said? Besides having a hefty penis, Tommy pioneered the art of sex-tape PR. Along with the "accidental" release of the sex videos he made with Pamela Anderson, Tommy's pocket rocket sent his career into the stratosphere. Unlike his dick, he may have been thin on talent, but this boy has more brains than he's given credit for. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Related:[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]History's Greatest Dicks – The Top 10 Tools [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Conspicuous Penis: Crotch Watching [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Rock Stars Getting Plastered [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Better Dancers Score Higher In The Romance Stakes[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Creative Spark Means Artists Have More Success At Sex [/FONT]
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  3. Captain Beefheart aka Don Van Vliet. Leader of the avantgarde(there's that word again heh-heh)late 60s-70s rock group Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band. His albums Trout Mask Replica and its sequel Lick My Decals Off, Baby are THE seminal rock albums of the genre. Trout was produced by fellow absurdist & childhood pal Frank Zappa. On my logo to the left, you can see a picture of the classic Magic Band during the Trout Mask recordings. Beefheart is the one holding the hat. My own pseudonym was derived from Winged Eel Fingerling (aka) Elliot Ingber, a guitarist who joined Beefheart's band on the album after Decals - The Spotlight Kid -and, who also performed on Zappa & The Mothers Of Invention's premier LP Freak Out!. What happened was - when I first signed onto Betterman.com - as a lark I tried to sign in as "winged eel fingerling," but was rejected because of too many letters in the name, hence, I became winged eel finger. The great Beefheart band has been absent from the music scene for a long time now but while they were here the Earth shuddered.

    Theory has it that Beefheart took his name on account of his uncle who used to flash his niece whilst making comments such as, "My! Doesn't it look like a big juicy beef heart!" The Captain, no slouch himself in this department, once wrote a song(appearing on the album Unconditionally Guranteed) tellingly entitled Upon The My-Oh-My.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2009
  4. W.M.P.

    W.M.P. Moderator

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    Was it Capt. Beefheart that did the vocals for Zappa's Willie The Pimp?
  5. italiananglo69

    italiananglo69 New Member

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    They forgot Robert Plant and his huge bulge.
  6. Big Al

    Big Al Coach Staff Member

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    I wondered where you had gotten such a unique pseudonym.
  7. Yes, that is Beefheart on vocals on Willie The Pimp, the only vocal on what is otherwise an all-instrumental album(Hot Rats) - one of the great cameo appearances in rock'n'roll history.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2009
  8. by Jim Goad
    (excerpted from The Cocks Of Rock)

    Despite what the feminist thought police would have you believe, it's a fact that women objectify men. If anything, they are more brutal and cynical in their estimations than men could ever be.

    Case in point: a website (www.metal-sludge.com/LongShort.htm) in which rock stars' cocks are reviewed in the manner that a restaurant critic reviews meals. Groupie-for-life Donna Anderson pools her own experiences along with the gossip of her groupie friends, concocting an often-hilarious list of 180 rockers and their cocks. With ball-shriveling candor, Anderson 'n' pals present a staggering array of rock-cock, from toothpick-sized to the length and girth of a mud shark.

    Firmly ensconced within the Stud Stable are bitch-slapping ex-Crue drummer Tommy Lee (of course), Phil Anselmo from Pantera and his "MONSTER power tool," Evan Seinfeld from Biohazard, Tracii Guns from LA Guns, Yogi from Buckcherry, and (surprisingly) little blond fem-doll singer Robin Zander from Cheap Trick, whose girlish features and gooberish voice would ordinarily indicate a peanut-sized penis. Each of these gents is rumored to possess a hog measuring ten inches or more.

    Much more fun to read are the catty descriptions of petite-penised prima donnas such as Twiggy Ramirez from Marilyn Manson ("he has a small dick and it's frequently limp due to excessive cocaine use"); James Lorenzo from Pride & Glory ("about the size of a pinkie finger"); Stefan Adika from Dad's Porno Mag ("hung like a baby and is a quick shooter"); Slik Toxik's Rob Bruce ("small cock, plus he only has ONE BALL! He lost his other ball in an accident"); Dokken's Mick Brown ("maybe 3 inches if you pull on it"); one-time Van Halen singer Gary Cherone ("so small if somebody saw you sucking his dick it would look like you were smoking a joint!"); Jack Russell from Great White ("Mushroom CAP & that's it, ONCE BITTEN and it never grew back!"); Tommy Thayer from Black-n-Blue ("so small crabs could use it as a flagpole"); Marq Torien from BulletBoys ("so small he probably pisses on his balls"); Glenn Danzig ("his cock is just like him, short"); and Quiet Riot's Carlos Cavazo. ("Not only a very sloppy and boring lay, but he is very, very, very small. There is no riot going on in his pants.")

    And not only does size matter, it's ALL that matters to these broads. To these starfucking, cock-hungry mucus pits, the measure of a man LITERALLY becomes the measure of his manhood. There is a comical equation of penis size with human worth. When a rocker is revealed to have a large schlong, these girls tend to forgive any shortcomings of character. But when his pathetic underendowment is brought to light, no measure of his good deeds or community-service hours can atone for the fact that everyone laughs disdainfully at his biological misfortune. All in all, this is very refreshing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2009
  9. JonPop

    JonPop <B><font color="#CC9933">Senior Administrator</fon

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    Damn, WEF. You're like a fungus, you've grown on me. I almost pulled the plug on you, back when you were a "Gangsta'" But I have since become a pseudo fan of your posts.
  10. Big Al

    Big Al Coach Staff Member

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    Nice follow up, WEF!
  11. ty, JP

    wut up, Big Al